Counting Breaths
by sisypheandreamer
Summary: (The Lizzie Bennet Diaries) It's been two years and four months since the end of Lizzie's videos and for the first time, Lydia can stop counting.


Lydia had only been to New York twice in her life.

Once, when she was a little girl. She was five. She couldn't remember why they had come to New York at the time. Something about a sick aunt or something about her father's friend or something inconsequential that she didn't really have the patience nor attention span to remember. About New York, she knew only one thing to be true.

It never slept.

Lydia had been so excited at the prospect of a city that never stopped moving, that always kept going. A city made of water – always flowing and changing and never stopping even when the currents got rough. Even when the water is still, it ripples at the slightest touch and moves with the wind as it goes. Water doesn't sleep either and Lydia, at five years old, didn't even want to close her eyes. There were too many bright lights, too much movement – she just wanted to keep going. And she hadn't stopped since then.

The second time she had been to New York was for Jane's wedding. It had been the happiest day of her mother's life and it was the fourth time Lydia has heard her mother utter those words. And her mother has said those words seven times. First, when Jane danced with Bing. Second, when Jane moved to New York with Bing. Third, when Lizzie got together with William.

Jane's wedding had been beautiful. It was exactly the way a wedding Jane Bennet – now Lee – would have had it. Soft shades of pink and cream decorated the ceremony. The gowns were beautiful and Jane's wedding gown had been the most magnificent thing Lydia had seen in her life.

It was velvet cream and it seemed a part of Jane – it flowed through her fingertips and moved when she did. Jane Bennet had been a vision – her hair was divine. When people asked her and Lizzie on who did Jane's hair that day, they both jokingly said that all Jane had to do was hum a tune and little flocks of woodland creatures would come into the room and do it for her. But it was Jane's fingers that worked on her that day, as she wanted it.

The ceremony had been beautiful and true to them, there was no wedding cake. In place of a wedding cake, there was a giant stack of snickerdoodles – all precariously stacked against one another until it was a beautiful sculpture that seemed only right for them. Only the people who knew about the videos knew understood why. And in the months that had passed since Lizzie stopped her videos – not a lot of people understood. For that, Lydia was grateful.

No one tiptoed around her anymore. In time, she learned to breathe again.

The fifth time her mother said it was the happiest day of her life was four months after the wedding, ten months after Jane moved to New York with Bing, eleven months after The Incident. Lydia was still counting her breaths by then. And the fourth time her mother said those words, it was because Jane was pregnant.

At the fifth month of her pregnancy, Jane moved back to California with Bing for a while. They lived in Netherfield for that time, needing some space from the city. A month later, it rained one night, and Bing Lee had to open the gates to his crying sister. Well… Bing said she was crying. No one else saw except him. Caroline had cracked underneath the mask of her trying to live by herself – travelling the world by herself, trying to forget the people she thought had left her behind. In that time, Caroline went to all of them and apologized.

It was not the kind of apology that demanded for Caroline to be weeping, begging for forgiveness. Humbled as she was, Caroline Lee would not be brought to her knees. She was quiet, though. She was quiet and edged around her words. Lydia couldn't meet her eyes – the judging eyes she knew would tell her what everyone else didn't dare think in her presence. In Caroline's eyes, Lydia knew she'd see the truth and she did not want her own thoughts mirrored back at her. Still not yet.

Two months later, her mother said the words again – the sixth time. It had been at a quiet family dinner at the Bennet household. Jane and Bing with their new baby boy, William Lee, were present. They were going back to New York in two weeks. Bing had brought Caroline to the table and she had the decency to still look embarrassed at calling Mrs. Bennet an idiot to her face. Still, Mrs. Bennet didn't miss a beat – still accepting the shamed Caroline Lee into the household.

After all, her mother had a higher standard of shame to grow accustomed to.

It was one of Lizzie's routine visits home. William, Gigi, Fitz, and Charlotte had all been there too under the guise of a well-planned business trip. But Lizzie, even thought she was just starting out her company in San Francisco, producing new material for digital media and changing the culture like she'd planned, was not there on business. And neither were the other three.

The Bennet household was not accustomed to so many people but still, Mrs Bennet took them in as best she could. And she was rewarded.

In the precise time that angels walked along the dinner table – a pronounced silence graced everyone's lips and Lydia could count the seconds between everyone's breathing, William Darcy cleared his throat. Georgiana Darcy nudged him with her elbow. Fitz Williams looked at him from across the table and nodded. It all happened within a second but Lydia saw it. Blood rushed to his face and he had to adjust his red necktie. When all eyes were on him, a dazed expression on Lizzie's face, he began to speak.

A few awkward words that acknowledged everyone in the room. A few awkward words that acknowledged the time that has passed since the videos. A few awkward words that described how the past two years and one month had ben the best of his life. And a few awkward words later, he stood up.

And a few awkward seconds later, William Darcy got down on one knee.

Mrs. Bennet fainted before Lizzie could even say yes. Which she did. When she regained consciousness, she said the words for the fifth time. Lydia had hugged her sister and Lizzie hugged her back. And in that moment was the first time Lizzie took out her old camera and Charlotte had to check the frames again. The whole family – the Lees and Darcys and Williams and Lus included – gathered around Lizzie as she spoke the words for the first time in two years and a month.

"My name is Lizzie Bennet … and I'm engaged to William Darcy."

Lydia had been so happy for her sisters for they deserved it. During the months that had passed in waiting for the happiest days to happen – Lydia had often spent her time looking out windows and trying to remember what it was she wanted. And when Lizzie said those words, years of memories she'd been trying to forget came back.

The videos. _**The **_video. The necklace that she still hadn't thrown out.

And the necklace she was wearing now, the necklace that she fiddled with, three months past Lizzie's engagement. She glanced nervously at her watch – made of silver. It was thin and elegant – a Christmas present from William and Lizzie the past year. The metal of her necklace had been reduced to rust in colour, all the fake silver rubbed off on her skin years ago. Still, she wore it.

It was fifteen minutes before her interview to New York University. William had worked in a few favours to grant her an interview, after her two years leave from her studies. Lydia spent that time reading the books Lizzie left behind and got for her. Mary came over more often and gave her books to read too. In time, she even finished The Lord of The Rings trilogy, which she was very proud to have done. She had quieted in those two years of healing and finally, Lydia was ready to try again.

When Lydia told her parents of her plans to study Theatre and Film in New York was when Lydia heard her mother say the words for the seventh time. Finally, she had plans of a future and even considered it. Even her usually collected father held her and cried a tear or two. William had pulled a few strings, despite his and Lizzie's wedding being only a month away. It was a fall wedding and to be held at Netherfield. It only seemed right.

This was her third time in New York.

Lydia, now sitting at a Starbucks, sipping a cup of tea, touched the necklace she was wearing. She wasn't even thinking about it when she put it on. She wore two necklaces simultaneously and she had done so for the past two years and four months. The necklace that her sisters gave her for her 21st birthday and the necklace George had given her.

She had learned to breathe evenly since then but as she sat there at that coffee shop, she held her breath again. For she knew that golden head anywhere, any day.

He was across the street from her and she was hidden away in a corner. Still, she could see what was going on outside and she saw him. He had another girl draped around his arm and breathing into that girl's ear. Lydia could still feel the tip of his nose on her cheek when he used to do that to her. She could still feel the curve of his body around her when he used to hold her that closely.

The girl laughed at what he was saying and looked at him. George didn't even flinch, looking that other girl in the eye in the same way Lydia had not been able to resist before. He was still using the same old moves and he looked so much like the George that Lydia had fallen in love with.

But she found that she wasn't holding her breath at all. And she wasn't counting – she was breathing evenly. The rusted silver was wrapped around her finger. And Lydia could see that he was not the George she knew.

He looked bigger, somehow – around the waist, maybe? His hair – then a glorious gold, seemed dimmer now. His hairline was receding and though he was still handsome and a little young, he was still the same George. He was the George everyone else saw except her when she still thought she loved him. And when Lydia realized that she was breathing, she began to laugh.

She was by herself and she was laughing. It was the first time she had found herself laughing – the same old Lydia laugh that never stopped, the same kind of sound that reminded her of the city that never slept. The air had never tasted so good.

Lydia took off the rusted necklace and picked up her paper cup of hot tea. She gathered her things and checked her watch. Ten minutes until the interview. With her cup of tea in hand, she walked – right across the street.

George saw her coming – her flaming red hair was a dead giveaway. Not the he could move – he was too surrounded by people and the girl on his arm. Lydia had a smile on her face and a cup of tea in her hand. George, unable to think of anything to say, just looked at her with no time to assemble his features in his usual easy manner. The poor girl next time was still smiling, but confused at Lydia's appearance.

Lydia's expression turned playful – her lips into a pout. She raised her eyebrows at him, her eyes gleaming.

Finally, George spoke.

"Lydia…"

And with that, Lydia threw her hot tea at his face and watched him shout. Before she walked away, she said only two words. And after those two words was the last time Lydia counted how many breaths she took. She then only breathed and lived and flowed with her city. And the two words never passed her lips again.

"Hey, Peach."

**A/N:** Dealing with the first TLBD-less Monday made me write this quick drabble. This wasn't proofread so there would be some mistakes, with which I can only apologise for. You can follow me on sisypheandreams and fiveforgideon if you want to know what I'm getting up to. Thanks for reading! Reviews are supermegafoxyawesomehot! 3

xx, Jonnah.


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